we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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