3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
