My first STD was from a foam party
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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