Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
