My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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