and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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