last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Just puked most of my soul out..
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
