I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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