you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
