I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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