please come you make the beer taste better
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
