I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
