Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
