I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
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