I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
