You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
