I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Help me help you realize you are a moron
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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