Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
