If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
