I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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