Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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