You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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