Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
