Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We have started to decorate penises.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
