so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
