i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
