bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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