new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
