I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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