i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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