woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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