We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
