Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
