it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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