dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
