Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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