I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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