if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
