I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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