You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
