I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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