i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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