$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
