she looked like the before picture.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
