I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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