splinters make it hard to masturbate
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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