oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
