I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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