You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
