I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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