im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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