you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
