The maid of honor just puked.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
