well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
